Wow, the past two weeks have been really busy. I attended a lunch for the launch of a new anti-aging product for hair from Curlisto, and also a mediabistro event for online media. Gotta run, but I'll try to post something today (later).

Meanwhile, I'm assuming these are in the public domain, and they made me laugh, so perhaps they'll do the same for you. A smile is the best beautifier on the planet, and laughing is great for your health!

Here are (supposed) quotes from our court system:

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he live d with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years._____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?__________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on Dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you goto?
WITNESS: Oral.______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.A
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you checkfor A pulse?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when You began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive andpracticing law.

*my understanding is that these have been widely disseminated but that they are are from a book called: Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters. There are two of these, so I don't know if it's from the one by Charles M. Sevilla (Paperback - Aug 1, 1999) or the one by by Richard Lederer (Paperback - April 30, 1996).