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Beat-The-Wedding-Bell-Blues
"Double Take" Q & A Archives
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Dear
Advice Sisters "My question has to do with how to manage
two moms in one wedding. I was adopted but recently have found my
birth mother. How do I properly include my birth mom and her family
in my upcoming wedding without offending my family. Also, since
my adopted father is no longer living, would it be inappropriate
to ask my soon-to-be-father-in-law to walk me down the aisle?"
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JESSICA'S
TAKE:
ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:
It's
imperative that you talk this out, however uncomfortable, with your
adopted mother first. Then, if you get the "green light' go ahead
and invite your birth mom to be included. However, don't be offended
if your birth mom declines. She may feel that it is your adopted mother's
"day" and she should not interfere. If she expresses that
point of view, be gracious and tell her that you are honored for her
just to attend. If your adopted mother feels uncomfortable with your
birth mother taking an active role in the wedding, however, you might
want to ask your adopted mother if it would be all right to invite
your birth mother and family as guests. Remind all parties if you
have to, that this is your special day and that you want to share
your joy...with "both"your moms. As
a final note, I do hope that both your "moms" will be wonderful
and accepting, but if your adopted mother has serious problems with
you inviting your birth mother and family, you might want to reconsider
having them...after all, your adopted mother has been your "real"
mom for so many years...and your birth mother has only shown up a
month ago. If your adopted mother (and I hope she won't) forces the
issue, and you must "choose" one mom over the other, choose
the one who has been your mother in thoughts, actions, and deeds for
all these years. There will be other occasions in which your
birth mother can participate now that she's back in your life. |
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ALISON'S
TAKE:
ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:
Karen,
this is a difficult question, and I can't answer it as fully as I'd
like because I don't have all the facts..but here's the easy part:
If your adopted father is deceased or you are estranged from him,
it's a beautiful gesture to ask your new father-in-law to walk you
down the aisle. What a wonderful way for you to honor your husband's
family and officially cement this new family relationship!
However, if your adopted father was alive and not estranged from you,
it would be more proper to ask him to walk you down the aisle. As
to the question of how to include your birth mother and her family:
without knowing how your adopted mother feels about your birth
mother, I have a hard to advising you about how to handle the situation
without hurting your adopted mom's feelings. She, I'm guessing,
is the one who has been your real parent. She has known you
the longest and has helped you grow up into the woman you are today.
If your adoptive parents are paying for the wedding, that should also
factor into your plans. On the other hand, a birth mother is
an important part of who you are as well. If you feel strongly
that both mothers should be honored, and your adoptive mother is comfortable
with you fully including your birth mother in the ceremony,
then go ahead and include both women. If you are asking people
to recite poems or make speeches and you are your adopted parents
are comfortable, this might be one way your birth mother could
participate on this very special day. If your adoptive
parents really aren't comfortable with your "other mom"
participating in a significant way, I'd suggest that you simply provide
your birth mother with a simple corsage as you would the other important
women in your life who are attending, and seat her apart from your
adoptive parents at a table of other special guests.
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