| TAKE #1 Right or wrong, ridiculous or
not, if you've envisioned a very specific way you want your entire wedding party to look,
the choice is yours. But most brides want happy attendants and try to choose styles
appropriate to their friends' budgets, ages, body types and style preferences. An
uncomfortable, resentful attendant will not enhance your wedding party, or your
photos.
I can't help but wonder......as you were choosing those teal sailor dresses... did you
ever stop to envision your 40-something friends in the outfits you chose? Did you consider
that your idea of "cute" might not fit theirs? If you are all over age 40,
perhaps "sailor suits" are not the best choice for grown women. And, the last
person I actually saw wearing a sailor hat was a toddler (and he didn't look too
happy about it, either). Did you stop to consider that you're asking your supposedly
good friends to spend their money...quite a bit of it (including hats and shoes) on items
they will never wear again, when they could spend that same amount on a great handbag or
shoes, or perhaps, a new winter coat?
I am sure your intentions were good when you allowed a group decision, but, again, from
what you are saying, it looks like you gave them no real choice...just a chance to bicker
about " horrible" and "horrible," in long and short. A kind-hearted
bride makes allowances and offers real choices that have a chance to be universally
flattering, not unilaterally awful!
To solve the problem as you've posed it (bickering bridesmaids bashing their dresses),
put yourself in their shoes. They're over 40, they're looking at essentially just
one style of expensive outfit in two hard-to-wear colors, and all of them realize
that the choices are unflattering. In this untenable position, you decided to step out of
the picture, setting them free to slug it out with each other out of sheer stress, in the
bridal store!
If you are absolutely determined to have your attendants dress to your
nautical theme, and your colors really are teal and gold, at least let them off the hook a
little bit. First, ditch the sailor caps--they only look cute on babies, maybe
"Cher," and, of course, genuine sailors). And, if you want to be a really
great friend, don't insist that they wear the same dress. Select some dresses
that give the impression of being nautical (eg. gold braid, or navy and white)
without actually emulating a sailor suit.
Get them together and suggest at least six, significantly different options at
reasonable prices. Get a read on which one they like the best, and you exercise the
final vote if they can't agree. Or, even better, for truly grateful attendants, simply
give each a photo of your wedding dress and say:: "choose something in teal or
gold that you think will flatter you and go well with my dress, and I'll check the choices
out for each of you, personally." |
TAKE #2 Asking a friend to attend you
should be an honor, not an obligation to spend her last month's entire paycheck on a
formal gown she doesn't like (not to mention hats and shoes!) It's a given that
bridesmaids' dresses aren't destined for another life after the wedding. You have told me
that your selections are all "pricey." Why wouldn't your attendants
bicker over expensive dresses with no useful life span in a color and style they didn't
choose or like? I wish I had a dollar for every female friend who showed me her closet and
sighed, "Can you believe that the bride actually made us WEAR this? She
must have been delusional when she said she said she knew we'd wear these again."
Though you are a first time bride, you are also an adult bride. Mature brides often do
without "attendants" completely, but if you really want your 40-something
friends to accompany you down the aisle, at least let them each select a dress that they
won't look ridiculous in.
As for dyed shoes and hats, isn't that a bit old fashioned? When was the last time
you wore dyed-to-match teal pumps on your feet, or a jaunty sailor cap on your head?
And, those dyed-to-match shoes will be ruined it there's rain, or you're taking photos on
the lawn. What's wrong with basic white, beige or black or metallic, in a heel
height that is comfortable for each women to walk in?
You can either re-think the outfits to make everyone happy, even if you have to
compromise your wedding vision. Or, (dare I suggest it?) you might take a different
approach: why not just bag the bridesmaids completely? They would probably be a lot
happier just being honored guests at your wedding, and giving you the help you need
without traipsing down an aisle in public view. In reality, a group of 40+ women in
bridesmaids gowns attending a 40+ bride doesn't really create the same kind of "ahhh,"
effect as with young "maids." Give your friends the TLC that they deserve
(you'll be getting it from them as attendants, too). Gather them for a ladies lunch (they
deserve it after what you've put them through) and tell your friends that you love
them dearly, but that you've decided to simplify the ceremony and only have your one honor
attendant walk down the aisle with you. Then, assign each one of them an honorary job
(cake cutting, greeting, gift table) instead, and thank them for their willingness
to really be your attendants in whatever dresses they choose.
|
Dear Advice Sister
Alison: "I am a first time bride at the age
of 40+. I'm having a formal, Summer wedding with a nautical theme. I gave my attendants
the choice of a short "sailor-style" dress or a long "sailor-style"
dress (complete with white, middy collars) in teal or gold, and topped off with a
little, white "sailor" hat. The shoes will be T-straps with high heels,
dyed to match. The outfits will cost over $250.00 each, but we are over 40, and make good
money. Besides, I’m sure they’ll want to wear these dresses again (they
are really cute). I was shocked and hurt when my friends hated the choices, bickered
at the store, and complained about the cost. Two of the six are already boycotting the
sailor cap, too! I always thought that the bridesmaid's dresses were the bride's choice
and I've been considerate enough to let them choose.....why are they being so
uncooperative and what should I do about it?"
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