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ADVICE SISTER ALISON'S TAKE #1 (head):

Bridesmaids look pretty in photographs, but that's not really what their original function, was. "Way back when, " women were married by "capture," so by having other women dressed like the bride, the groom was forced to pick out his true bride, "forsaking all others." Bridesmaids were also used as protections, as were groomsmen (actually used to help fend off potentially angry and violent relatives of the bride who might try to protect her from the groom and his family)! Bridesmaids also attended a bride in similar costumes (and the groomsmen dressed like the groom) to confuse "angry spirits" and demons who might want to harm the bridal couple. After all, if the spirits could not tell the bride and groom apart from attendants, they would not be able to carry out their evil plans! Multiple bridal attendants were also used, because a marriage ceremony needed at least 10 witnesses be present (also to outsmart the jealous demons).

Being a bridal attendant these days doesn't require fooling demons or physically protecting the bride. Bridesmaids now help to make pretty photos, create a formal procession for the bride to follow up the aisle, hold her bouquet during the ceremony, and perhaps fluff her veil. Traditionally, the honor of being an attendant is bestowed by the bride on family and friends the couple trusts and cherishes. Although there shouldn't ever be an obligation to accept being in a bridal party, it's a hard invitation to refuse. You are apparently covering expenses but most bridal attendants do try to be helpful to the bridal couple during the wedding planning. Many also have a hand in choosing (and paying) for their wedding outfits.

I don't know how close you are to your sister, or if there are other issues you didn't mention to me, but it's hard to imagine a sister, let alone a "best friend" who refuses to stand with you on your wedding day. The situation may be hurting you, but I don't think it's lack of affection. Your problems may have been created by not communicating your expectations clearly and up front. The fact is that both women did change their minds and asked to be included in the wedding party, once they knew what would be expected of them.

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ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE #2 (heart):

Wedding plans can bring out the best and the worst in people, but if you are upset with your nearest and dearest, remember that every issue has at least two sides. It's possible that you don't really see things the same way the others do. As you describe it, the primary objections your sister, friend and cousins have to attending you is linked to money and the amount of effort they felt they'd be expected to invest. These might be genuine obstacles that don't have anything to do with their genuine, warm feelings for you. Did you make it clear at the start that you would be assuming the costs? If not, this could have frightened anyone having financial woes they didn't want to mention. I know of more than one bride who suggest attendants wear designer dresses that cost a small "red carpet-style" fortune, but the bride had a "vision" that wasn't going to be satisfied with dresses from the Chadwicks catalogue. She did agree to pay for the dresses, but not for the celebrity hair stylist, plus makeup, manicures, and shoes! What was this bride thinking?

But it also sounds like there might have been mixed messages that caused this situation. For starters, did you make it clear right then that there would be no true strain on finances or time, when you asked them to attend you? If your family famously known for elaborate and expensive weddings? What about your past dealings with your friends and family? If you are generally demanding and high maintenance, your potential to turn into a "bride-zilla" could be scaring people, who turned you down, rather than tell you the truth.

Ideally, the bride decides who gets to attend her, but it is also her job to be the "director" of her wedding day. Even if you had a wedding planner handling the arrangements, you (and your groom) are the ones who have to make the tough decisions. Right now you have three bridesmaids and the potential for a fourth. But your other cousin hasn't given you an answer because she's waiting for your mother, not you, to give her the information she needs to make a decision. Take back control! Call your cousin and tell her what is involved, making it clear that she won't have financial or other responsibilities--that she is there to look pretty and keep you company only on your special day (if that is really the truth). She may not want to be included anyway, but if she does, you should honor that. It doesn't seem reasonable to penalize the women you really want most, your best friend and sister, because they initially turned you down (women are famous for changing their minds).

If you can afford an extra dress, why not go for all four maids. Four is more balanced than three, anyway. Or, make your sister an honor attendant, and keep the cousins and friend as the bridesmaids. Maids/matrons of honor do not have to wear the same dress as the bridesmaids. Give your sister the top honor, but let her wear a dress she already owns to keep the cost down and her dignity, high.

Your only other option is to simply ditch all the bridesmaids entirely. Since these ladies have been so obviously ambivalent, do you really want them to attend you? Not everyone requires an entourage. When I married, for example, my sister stood up with me, but I didn't have attendants. The rest of my friends and family simply focused on having a great time, with little obligation other than to be happy for me, and enjoy themselves.