JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

THE ADVICE SISTERS sometimes disagree, but there's no way I disagree with Advice Sister Alison  here. Your letter reminds me of grade school children who would rattle a gift box at a birthday party and say: "I hope it’s not a book. I hope it’s not a doll. I hope it’s not a board game. I hope it’s not clothes." The gift would invariably be ONE of those things, and the giver would feel embarrassed and upset when the gift was opened and the disappointing contents, revealed! Telling people what to "give you" as a gift and then whining about what you actually "get" is immature and greedy and NOT acceptable!

I don’t know what ever happened to the idea that a gift should be selected as something the gift giver believes is beautiful, useful or valuable...something the gift-giver would like to receive him or herself. Every gift should be viewed with gratitude and enthusiasm. I’m not against bridal registries — as Advice Sister Alison said, they are accepted means of letting your wedding guests know what you need. These registries are the ONLY accepted means of letting guests know what you might like to receive if you are not asked outright by the giver. If a guest chooses not to patronize the stores at which you have registered or sends you something other than what you’ve chosen, you are still obligated to thank the giver with a prompt and sincere note. It doesn’t matter if you receive an entire set of expensive sterling flatware from your office colleagues, a heavy and ugly bread basket in pewter, or an awful porcelain figurine of a cupid riding on a swan from your elderly Aunt Ida, sending a thank you note and mentioning the gift in positive terms is an absolute MUST — no excuses, no exceptions! If you simply can’t find the "words" to thank Aunt Ida, there are all kinds of books which can help you express yourself, especially when it’s hard to express genuine enthusiasm for the gift (such as with the cupid and swan!).

You also mention the issue of money. The advice sisters think that a personal gift is a better choice than a check for weddings, but many modern couples appreciate money the most, and it is often the gift of choice these days. If you must give money as a wedding gift, do it in the form of a personal or cashier’s check, a savings bond, stock, or at least a gift certificate. It seems more like a gift and less like "compensation for wedding expenses" that way. Anything less than fifty dollars isn’t much of a gift these days. If you can’t afford at least $50, give something else instead.

Advice Sister Alison mentioned, that a gift on the occasion of someone’s wedding is NOT the price of admission to the wedding. You can certainly suggest that people make a donation to your favorite charity in lieu of gifts, but to insist that they do so is akin to asking them to pay a fee to participate in your wedding as a guest. Totally unacceptable for any reason!

You mention that you are moving abroad soon and don’t need any more "stuff." As Advice Sister Alison suggested,  you can return gifts to the places they were purchased (if you know where they came from) and get the camping gear you really want! If the gift is from a specialty store like Tiffany’s, you might not find power tools, but you might decide that those identical engraved keychains for the keys to your new home are romantic substitutes for that pitcher, after all. If you can’t find anything you’d like to have, get a refund in the form of a gift certificate and use it to buy a gift for someone else...or wait until you get ready to move and include the gift in your yard sale — then use the proceeds to buy those tools you say you might want.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

Your question brings up issues not only of etiquette and tradition, but also of differing expectations. Most couples receive wedding gifts from people whom they've invited to their wedding, but gifts should NEVER be "expected." People who choose to give you a gift do so not out of obligation but to honor you, to show their pleasure at your marriage, and to generously give you a lasting remembrance of this important occasion.

Let’s get it straight: it is considered "appropriate" and "nice" to give a gift to the bride and groom but it is NOT the price of admission to the wedding! This is particularly true in second marriages. Most people "gave" the first time, and although they’re not obligated, however, close friends and family, will probably cough up a gift the second time around, and maybe even the third, fourth, or fifth time, too! Listen up! I don’t think that your well-meaning gift-givers are the rude ones: YOU are! It is extremely ungracious, and arrogant of you to expect gifts, and then become annoyed at the giver if you don’t get what you want!

One answer to the problem is a bridal registry. They don't just handle "traditional" gifts like china and crystal. Many modern brides and grooms (who already have furnished their homes) choose to register at non-traditional places such as sport stores, gourmet shops, hardware store. I know of one couple building a house who registered for lumber and paint! While no one wants to be "told" what they should give, bridal registries are a gentle way of letting people know what kinds of gifts you’d really like to have. Your close friends and family, who know your future plans and your feelings about being "unencumbered" by material possessions, will probably take the initiative and ask you where you are registered, or what kind of gifts you would like. If they ask, it’s then appropriate to tell them where you've registered, or suggest that they make a donation in your name to the charity you've designated.

As bride and groom, and in the course of your married lives, you are likely to get some gifts that you don't like. Don’t forget that even a disappointing gift come from the heart of the giver. Perhaps you both have forgotten (or never learned) one of the basic rules of etiquette: when you receive a gift it is basic good manners to express thanks, gratitude, and enthusiasm (even if you already have others like it or you hate it). Be sure to write a personal thank-you note to the giver. Failure to do so is not only bad manners, it will hurt the feelings of the people who cared enough to try and do something nice for you in the first place! If you get gifts you don't want, there is no reason for you to keep them. Thank the giver and stack the unwanted items in the closet, return them to the store, or recycle them to someone else who will want and appreciate them.

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