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Archives - How To Feel Glad When Things Are Really Bad
Q: I have never written to a columnist
before, but I've read yours for months. I really like your advice, especially about
the difficult situations everyone seems to face, but no one seems to talk about! So here's
my situation: Two months ago I got fired from my job even though I tried really hard to be
successful. Then my significant other left me -- and just as I am feeling my worst!
Since then, I've gained weight (I just don't have the energy to get moving) and I haven't
looked for a job. I've been making excuses for why I can't go out with friends. I haven't
even visited my sister! Mostly, I just sit around the house, watching television. I
know this is not normal or healthy, but I can't seem to motivate myself to take that first
step to get our of the house and away from the fridge and the couch! I just can`t
stop feeling sad. My common sense tells me that if I want to find a new job or get a new
relationship I have got to stop feeling sorry for myself, but how?
A: A bit of flailing in an ocean of self-pity is normal
when things have been particularly awful in your life. However, if you stay
"stuck" in misery too long, it gets harder and harder to move forward.
Sadly, the "good luck fairy" is a myth - in order to get what you deserve in
life, you have to go out and make it happen, yourself! How can you expect good
things to happen to you if you're hiding in your apartment, eating junk food and comparing
your life to fictional (but traumatic) lives in the daytime dramas?
You may think your life sucks, big time, but
trust me . others would trade your miseries for theirs, in a New York minute! It may
sound a bit "Polyanna-ish", but I think the trick to feeling glad when things
are legitimately awful is to find the positive aspects of negative situations, and use
them to move forward to better things. Most every cloud has does have a silver
lining...if you look for it. Try the glass is half full instead of half empty
approach.
Perhaps you did try hard at that last job but maybe they
just didn't see how great you were. They don't deserve you, anyway! Now,
you're free to find a job and work environment in which your efforts will be
appreciated. The next job you get will allow you to live up to your true
potential, or perhaps you'll start your own business, or do consulting or freelance! The
choice is yours!
Losing a friend or lover is harder to rationalize or to
get over quickly, but trust me on this one (I'm a relationship expert and I've heard it
all), human beings are amazingly resilient. Eventually our broken hearts heal, and despite
our moans and protests that we will never find another as good as the one we lost, we
do! Living well is the best revenge. Making good choices the next time around
is your key to success, happiness and love. Learn from the past and correct the mistakes
you made with this relationship to find an even better one. Be realistic and
honest: if your relationship ended, it most likely did so because it was not as
perfect as you might have assumed. Those who love, live to love again...and so will you!
If you need to get mad to start feeling better, write me - I have tons of juicy
revenge fantasies that are guaranteed to make even you, smile (my personal favorite has to
do with hundreds of energetic, voracious, ants)!
All kidding aside, losing a job or even
something even more precious IS difficult to handle, but your "down in the dumps
period" is about to expire. You are ready to take that first step out of the gloom
and out of the house (you wouldn't have written to me if you weren't at least a teeny bit
ready).
Recognizing the six stages of loss will
help you find your way through the stages of loss, and reassure you that there isn't
anything weird about what's been happening to you. Keep in mind that there isn`t a
standard timetable for progressing through the stages. Some will pass quickly, and
some may seem like they are never going to end (they will). We are all unique
in how we handle our feelings, but eventually, most everyone does pass through all the
stages and back into the "sunshine" of life.
THE SIX STAGES OF LOSS - STAGE ONE:
SHOCK
The reality of bad news has just arrived and you can hardly believe it. Perhaps you are
tearful or maybe just numb. The good news is the shock stage doesn`t linger long...you
won`t remember much about the first few days after some time has passed.
STAGE TWO: GRIEF
Everything hurts! You're feeling sorry for yourself. If you`ve lost a job, it seems that
everyone is working - they`re not. If you received bad news, it may seem like everyone is
doing better than you are - they`re not. If you have lost a love, it looks like the
everyone is in couples - they're not. It`s okay to feel sad so give yourself permission,
for a while.
A good "wallow" in
your sad feelings now will help you get it out of your system and move forward.
Still, try to make an effort to reach out to others. Be good to yourself. No matter
what you did or didn`t do to create the situation, don`t blame or punish yourself
(there are so many other people just waiting to do that for you). Keep telling yourself
that you are a good person who deserves a happy, successful life. Remind yourself
that YOU have to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Sometimes volunteering
for a worthy cause can make you feel better. You'll realize your problems aren't so
awful when you realize that you have the power to help others who are much less
fortunate. Success is coming! You can do it, and you will!
STAGE THREE: BLAME
Now you`re really angry...at everyone,
probably. Channel your anger for your better good - don`t get mad, get going! If
you`ve been fired, remind yourself the next job will be better and you`re well out of the
situation you were in. If it`s a relationship that`s on the rocks, placing blame will make
you bitter.. resolve what went wrong so that the next relationship can be the best ever,
is a better way to go.
Make a list of all the things you might do
(despite your internal objections that they won`t work). List all the possible outcomes -
your funds will run out, you`ll get a new job you don`t love, you`ll get a job you DO
love, you`ll learn how to cope with anxiety, you will get support from friends, and
relatives. Treat your loss as just another situation of many you`ve had, and will have in
your life. You`ll see -- nothing is as bad as it seems.
STAGE FOUR: RESIGNATION
You are finally accepting that you`ve had
the loss. Now you know that you have to make a plan to move forward again. It may be
easy to get stuck in this stage by thinking "this is all I'll ever have so I have to
make do with my loss" but that's not so! Tell yourself (over and over again
until you really believe it) that you will only hurt yourself to stay "stuck" in
grief and blame and just give up! If you`re having trouble moving on, do a
self-affirmation. You might try: "I deserve better and I'm going to get it!"
Self-affirmations, work!
STAGE FIVE: REBUILDING
You are finally ready, willing, and able to
learn move ahead. You may not be totally sure you can pull it off...but TAKE A
CHANCE! This is the time to look forward to new attitudes, ideas, initiatives, resolve,
and success.
STAGE SIX: RESOLUTION
Congratulations! You`re dealing with things
and creating a new plan. You are starting to feel proud of your ability to take care of
your problems. You`re feeling positive about the future, and have the confidence to
realize you can take care of yourself, handle anything life hands you, and SURVIVE!
*note, if you get stuck in one of
these stages, you aren't hopeless -- get professional help. This doesn't mean that
you're "weak" -- quite the opposite! The strong and sane person is
the one who realizes that at some point in time, s/he needs a boost from someone else to
move forward again.
It may be difficult to feel optimistic
right now, but every small step moved you closer to your goal. As Scarlett O'Hara
said in Gone With The Wind: "Tomorrow is another day."
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