JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

Ken is really the problem, not Sheila. She's just a lonely woman who realizes she has a willing and understand "audience" to listen to her troubles. It's cheaper than therapy, and perhaps on some level she feels she'll be able to re-establish the romance she once had with Ken that is now gone.

Ken may just be a kind-hearted soul, but he's overdoing it. You are the woman he is engaged to and lives with and therefore, his primary responsibility is to you and everyone else should come second in his life. He shouldn't be annoyed at you for how you feel, he should really be annoyed at Sheila for being rude to you and intruding into your home life as if you aren't even there! You share a home together, and what happens in your house is legitimately of consequence and concern to you.

In my view, Ken should either refuse to take her phone calls and spoil your evenings together (let him waste his lunch hour dolling out the sympathy if he wants to!) or more honestly say: "Look Sheila, you know I've always been a good friend to you but these constant calls are upsetting to my fiancé and I'm part of a couple now. My relationship with my fiancé is my top priority. I wish you well, but please don't call here and expect me to spend my evenings commiserating with you. I can't and I won't."

You can't say how you feel to Sheila, but Ken needs to speak up if he doesn't want to sabotage his relationship with you. Surely Ken would rather be with you, his fiancé, than with Sheila. If he doesn't get with the program and cool things with her, he may find that HE is the one crying about love lost on the other end of the phone line!

If you want to take matters into your own hands, make sure you are the one who always answers the phone and tell her Ken is "busy." If you want to get really aggressive, say: "I'm sorry Sheila, but Ken can't speak to you right now and neither of us have a lot of free time anymore. We're getting really busy with our wedding plans. I know you're a friend of Ken's but you can't count on him being around every night. If you need to talk things out I think you ought to call another friend. " If you do this, make sure that you stay calm and that your voice is not angry but matter of fact. Sheila could be calling just to get under your skin. You don't want to give her any inkling that she's succeeded, do you?

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

Friends should help other friends in times of emotional crisis. I'm assuming that your well-meaning fiancé is trying to do just that, especially since you say you both feel ok about having close friends of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, friendship can get in the way of a great relationship. If this one with Sheila is getting out of hand, I understand why you're upset. Ken needs to learn the balance between being a great friend, and being a poor fiancé - he needs to control the intensity of his friendships. Regardless of "need," no friend should get in the way of the relationship Ken shares with you. If he is ignoring you and your needs, to talk on the phone with someone else, this is unacceptable!

I'm not against platonic male-female friendships between couples, but I do think it's hard to keep a sense of perspective and make sure that no one else intrudes into the primary relationship that the couple shares. If one or both partners crosses the line with friends enough times, the relationship they value the most can be headed for serious trouble. The most important thing you need to do is to set some boundaries and guidelines as a couple about how you'll handle all your male-female friendships. Talk, for example, about how much time you think is reasonable to spend with other friends when you're not a "threesome."

It's too bad that Sheila wasn't smart enough to gain your friendship (and support) as well, but she still is a friend of Ken's that precedes you. He obviously cares about her...at least enough to talk to her regularly (you didn't say if they ever get together in person). This is the time to assert yourself if you think Ken is spending too much time with Sheila, or anyone else. Don't just complain, let him know exactly what you want him to make things better. Be specific. Don't expect him to read your mind...he can't, and he won't. If you think she's intruding where she doesn't belong, tell Ken that you want him to tell her to stop calling so much and make HIM responsible for cutting those conversations short, or terminating them entirely. I suggest that you be careful to stop short of demanding or forbidding him to continue the friendship with Sheila however, because that will probably make him think you're jealous, and will probably just make him angry.

In my personal opinion, if Ken is talking to another woman for more than an hour each night, his behavior definitely crosses the line between being a good friend, and "dissing" you, his fiancé. I know of few men who are that motivated to yak on the phone for more than an hour each night with a woman they're not interested in, when there's a real, live love-interest waiting for them in the other room! Hopefully he hasn't taken you for granted already. You don't have to be pushy but you can get him off the phone. First, suggest that you leave the answering machine on so neither of you have to deal with Sheila. If she does call and he wants to talk to her, agree that he'll do so for ten minutes and then end the call. If he doesn't, pull out the big guns - put your arms around Ken and start kissing his neck. The conversation will stop! She will know you're in the room, ready to re-claim your man! If after this, you discover that Ken can't hang up, he probably isn't "over" Sheila and it's time to check out your relationship with him more closely before you go ahead and tie the knot!