JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

You don't say how long you have actually known "V" so it's difficult for me to assess whether or not part of what is happening between you is "getting to know you" growing pains or in fact, truly non-negotiable and unacceptable differences in what the two of you want and need from a marriage relationship. Is it possible that "V" doesn't realize the effect that his constantly comparing you to more traditional women from India who did not grow up in the US as you have has on you? "V" has not been in the United States very long and perhaps he really has not yet learned some of the differences between women in Bombay and women here in the United States.

Given time and a little prodding in the right direction, is it possible that "V" will not only begin to appreciate but actually enjoy the more modern approach you take to marriage and womanhood? Could it also be that you are misinterpreting the depth of his feelings about what "women do back home" and that he really is only comparing what he knows well with what is "new" to him here? After all, it's YOU "V" is interested in marrying...not one of those women back home!

Will you be living in the United States if and when you marry or will you be expected to move back to India with "V"? If V" is planning to make a married life with you in the States I'll bet with a little time and gentle persuasion you can get him to see your points of view...but if you and "V" would be moving back to India, most likely it would be you who has to adapt to the "ways" he knows and appreciates. You have indicated that you are not comfortable with taking on that role, however, and if you really would be miserable because of the "differences" between you and "V" you should not marry until you are certain you either can or can not live with them.

But you asked about breaking up so I am assuming you have made up your mind that is what you really want to do. Okay, reality check: there is no easy way to tell someone who cares for you and who wants to marry you that it's over. Nothing you can say and nothing you can do can make it easier for "V" though I applaud that you want to try. The best thing you can do is to be honest and tell "V" that you care for him but feel there are too many differences between you culturally for the two of you to be happy together in a marriage.

Tell "V" he deserves the RIGHT one for him...not just "Ms. You'll Do" and you are afraid you might be the later. If you are sure you want to break up, don't make any bargains or deals (let's just see each other for a few more months and then we will see what to do about the relationship...). End it. Plain and simple. Make a clean break and no matter how lonely you might get, don't call or e-mail "V." once you have made your decision it's over. Even if "V" isn't right for you, he should still have the chance to find the right marriage partner, and he won't, if he still has hope you might come back to him.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

It takes great courage, maturity, and insight to recognize that you may have made a mistake in and need to alter your course. Life is like that, sometimes. You didn't say that you are formally engaged...but even if you have been introduced to one another's family or you have a wedding date set (no matter how badly you feel about breaking things off ) it is still far better break off the match before the marriage than to doom yourselves to a lifetime of fighting. If the disagreements are as bad as you say, on some level "V" must know there are big problems, too.

Although the two of you may be attracted to one another and have some things in common, it also sounds like you have been living in two different worlds, literally. Opposites are often attracted to each other and a difference is acceptable, even desirable. But the severity and nature of those differences determines the long-term success of your relationship. For slight differences, compromise is the solution: you might agree to adopt some more traditional habits (especially when with his family and friends) and "V" might try to modernize his behavior and thinking a little bit. However, based on what you are telling us, the differences are radical enough that you would have to become totally different people from what you really are to suit one another well. No one can become another person entirely, even to please someone they love.

I would be honest with "V". See how much compromise (if any) is possible. Postpone any further movement towards engagement for a while and work on resolving your major problems together. If you really do want to be together (and work hard ) you may be able to salvage this match. If you feel that there is no possible way for you to do this, the best advice I can give you is to tell "V" that you and he are not well suited as a marriage match no matter how much you like each other, and move on.