JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

For our book, RECRUITING LOVE , Alison and I talked to lots of men and women who, like Janet, wanted to be "pardoned" from their their "dates from hell" before the date was through.

If you've got unbelievable guts (or you really don't care about hurting your date's feelings), and if you're not put off by an unpleasant or even hostile reaction from your date, you can just bluntly say: "I'm not having a good time and I'd like to leave now." However, my first piece of advice is just to set limits on the amount of time you agree to spend on any first date (until you know enough about that person to feel certain that you'll want to spend more than an hour or two with him). Long drives, all-day events or activities that take a lot of travel time back and forth, are not good "first date ideas" for this reason. No matter how boring or "awful" a date, most people can manage to stick it out for a few hours to fulfill the obligation they took on when they agreed to "go out."

Another way to safeguard yourself when you fear the date may not "go well" is the old ploy of saying half-way through dinner or whatever else you're doing:" You know, I'm on an important project at work and must contact my office;" then come back with profuse apologies that you have been called back to work.

Perhaps your date will see right through you and be offended, but for those of us (actually, most of us) who feel uncomfortable coming right out and being blunt enough to tell the truth (we can't stand another minute on this awful date), it's a better alternative. It saves your date's ego and avoids the potential for an immediate, unpleasant confrontation.

If you're going to go out on your own without your own transportation home (NOT a good idea, by the way, on a first date for anyone!), you might arrange for a "dating buddy" (someone who knows where you're going to be and whom you'll be with) to come and take you home if things don't go well. *Alison and I have a detailed explanation of dating buddies and other tips to make dating easier in our book: RECRUTING LOVE.

I'm of the opinion that if you can manage to tough it out for a whole date, you probably should. It's very painful to be "stood up" but it's even worse to be rejected to your face. Is your date so awful that he deserves that?

Although we've heard of more than one woman who excused herself to the ladies room and then fled out the back door of the movie theater or restaurant, Alison and I think this is just plain bad manners and you shouldn't take this approach to ending a date EXCEPT when a date becomes abusive, out-of-control, frightening, or violent. If this happens, seek help from anyone you can find. In extreme cases, even if you have no dating buddy to call and no easy way to get home, you're still better off to just get up and leave if you can't handle the situation. Lots of dates turn out to be "mistakes" but fortunately, few turn out to be impossible disasters. Even if you find an easy way out this time, sooner or later you are going to have to face your date and tell him that you don't want to go out with him again anyway....but that's another issue (keep reading our column--we'll be covering that issue too)!

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

I agree with Jessica that the easiest way not to end up in this situation is just to limit the amount of time you spend with someone on a first date. What's the rush? For first dates, I personally favor the "I'm having a frantic week, but let's get together for a coffee or lunch and see what happens" approach. If you opt for lunch or after-work coffee or drinks only, you can see if there is any chemistry first without committing yourself to more than an hour or so at most (not to mention money, too, if you are the one paying for the date).

I used to think it was bad manners to view a first date like a "fast-food meal" instead of a entire dining experience, but asking around I realized that for most people who are out there seriously looking for someone special, there are so many more dissapointing first dates (the kind where even an hour seems like a month) than good ones, that I began siding with the "quick first dates only" crowd. In the overworked and economy-minded ‘90's, it really does make some sense to try a quick date first, and follow with longer ones if there is obvious "relationship potential" after the first encounter. Even if you think you've found love-at-first-site, first impressions can be deceiving. That cute, witty "hunk" you had such fun dancing with last weekend at the party might seem very different to you when you next meet: the party was no noisy and you couldn't talk much over the music; now it's broad daylight and you're trying to make conversation at a quiet restaurant...and he's got nothing to say!

Once you're on the date, that's another story. I disagree with Jessica when she says that it's ok to "extricate yourself" from an awful date just because you don't really like him and think you have something better to do! It's inconsiderate and mean. You look like a lying fool(and how stupid is your date if he really believes that your boss just called for you to come back to the office for an emergency meeting at 10:00 at night)?

You have two "thumbs up" from both of us to leave immediately if the person you are with gets crazy, violent, or out-of-control, but you'll get no approval from me to get up and walk off a date just because you can't "feel the heat" between the two of you! Stick it out and at the end of the evening make no promises to "call" or see each other again. Just say "I enjoyed meeting you" and LEAVE QUICKLY. Your date will get the message that you are not being encouraging about another date and neither of you goes home looking like a loser OR a liar!