JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

There's nothing rude, selfish or bad about saying "no" to abuse of any kind. An abusive friend causes no less damage than an abusive family member or lover...if you allow the cycle of abuse to continue you will continue to be hurt. No matter how lonely you think you will feel without Anna's "friendship" or how much you may wish that Anna would go back to being the loving friend she was in the beginning, she probably won't. The sad truth is that the person she was in the beginning wasn't the real "Anna" but rather the "facade" she used to lure you into the friendship and get you under her control.

Angela, it is important to remember that you cannot change others, you can only change your response to them. You say you are lonely but you don't have to rely on an abusive relationship to feel good about yourself. You already sense, I think that Anna could hurt you really badly if you let her. Anyone who keeps you in a friendship by abusive behavior is NOT a friend. Let Anna get her "therapy" elsewhere..not by beating on you so she can feel better. To borrow from our colleague Abigail Van Buren: "Wake up and smell the coffee!" and get out of your abusive relationship with Anna relationship fast. If you are lonely, make new friends try joining some clubs or classes....volunteer...sing with a choral group, or just help out somewhere for a cause you believe in...whatever new "friends" you make will be better friends than this neurotic and destructive person who obviously doesn't know the meaning of the word. If you stay in this relationship you are bound to end up lonely and miserable!

As Advice Sister Alison said, this woman gets her power from controlling you. Don't let her! Walk away if she won't change her behavior, and don't' be disappointed if she doesn't. Be your OWN best friend and do what's right for you.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

There are people in this world who are so insecure about themselves that the only way they can feel powerful and in control is to criticize and break down the confidence of others. Anna appears to be the kind of person who gets particularly abusive when her sense of self-worth has been threatened and things aren't going well in her life (which is probably most of the time). Regardless of the cause, an abusive relationship is a destructive one, whether it is in a love relationship, a family relationship or just a simple friendship.

Abusive people usually do not realize (sometimes, they don't even care) how their behavior affects others–they are usually too self-centered and self-absorbed to think about the harm they might be doing. Often, even when faced with the undeniable truth about themselves, they will angrily deny their abusiveness.

It may feel confusing to find yourself in a relationship like the one you have developed with Anna: at first, the friendship seems to be progressing normally, but then, your friend's attitude changes gradually or abruptly. In your situation with Anna, by the time you noticed her "true colors" you had already made an emotional investment in the friendship, and now you're having a hard time walking away. You should not feel bad or guilty! In all abusive relationships, the abuser knows that you have developed feeling for him or her, and relies on that need to keep you in the relationship! The ultimate power of abuse is control...manipulating someone else to suit your own needs against their will, whatever the consequences.

It takes courage, but perhaps you need to confront Anna and say: "Your verbal abuse is hurting me and I'm not going to tolerate it. If you want to treat me with respect we can continue being friends, but if you are only looking for someone to dump on, our friendship is not going to survive." If you are unable to do this face-to-face, you might try writing her a note. There is a possibility that Anna doesn't know consciously what she is doing and when confronted, she will likely apologize and be more considerate of your feelings in the future. But it is just as likely that she will get defensive and angry, deny it, and heap on more abuse. In this case you have no other alternative than to end the friendship once and for all, because a relationship like that really isn't a friendship at all.