This Month's ADVICE SISTERS®"Double-Take" Q &A
Each day brings new challenges, but you always have the power to change your life. To help you jump-start your own thinking, Advice Sister Alison offers her signature "Double-Take" Q&A format featuring both "head (practical) and "heart" (emotional) views. If you like, you can arrange for Private Counseling and get this kind of advice for yourself. For classic ADVICE SISTERS® "Double-Take" Q&A visit the Advice Sisters® Archives
ALL WE DO IS WATCH TELEVISION AND HAVE SEX!
Dear Advice Sister Alison: My boyfriend and I have been living together for three years. The problem is, we don’t seem to get out of the house anymore. All we do every evening and on weekends is sit on the couch and watch television, and have sex. I am growing very bored with my life, and with my boyfriend. I have discussed this with him, but he never does anything to change the situation. I guess my boyfriend is passive and wants me to take the lead, all the time, but I am 32 (my boyfriend is 35) and I still hope to get married and start a family some day. My boyfriend just seems happy to spend the rest of his life on the couch, leaving things as they are. I want the relationship to grow, but don’t know how to move it forward.
| TAKE #1: Your boyfriend may one of the majority of men who are genuinely relieved to ditch the often artificial conventions of dating (once they've met the girl of their dreams), and just go back to hanging out at home. There's nothing wrong with this, but you can take a good thing too far. If you ignore someone long enough, they will be dissatisfied, no matter how great you are and how much they love you. Furthermore, women really do want a man who makes an effort. No one wants to be taken for granted! Women aren't blameless in this, either. They often make the incorrect assumption that if they know what they want, their partners will too. In general, men want to make their partners happy, but they really don’t know what that entails. Your boyfriend may be genuinely mystified at your dissatisfaction. He probably thinks you've both settled into a comfy routine. He might like to communicate and connect, but not the same way you do. Guys can spend an entire day with their buddies and never saying more than: "Want another beer?" and still think the day was an unqualified bonding experience! If you want more, you are the one who is going to have to shake things up and make him take notice. Since you say you have a passive partner, double the effort, and expect to be the one who takes the initative in most, if not all, aspects of your lives. If you resent this role, you're going to have a rough time. As you’ll see in TAKE #2, it isn’t hard to get out of your lifestyle rut. Most men will meet your needs if they don't have to figure out how. Your letter brings up a more serious issue, however. You can get your boyfriend off the couch, but you can't change who he is. You say he is happy to keep things just as they are, but you want to move this relationship forward to marriage and a family. Are you so sure that this is the man you really want to do this with? In the beginning of every relationship there is a period of exploration and adjustment while you and your partner define what you want. By now, if are bored with the relationship and your partner isn’t sharing your dreams, this signals a major problem. If you can’t even see eye to eye on lifestyle, how are you going to negotiate the larger issues such as getting married, or being parents? My suggestion is to manage the situation in two stages. The first stage is to get move the two of you away from your regular, dull routine and into activities that help you focus more on one another. If daily life improves, then you can focus on the second stage; whether or not you want to move the relationship forward. You will eventually need to have a "What do you want and where are we going with this relationship?" talk. Calmly and clearly re-state your goals, and listen respectfully and closely to his. Is there room for compromise? If so, set deadlines for moving forward. If you reach the deadline but things are still not moving forward, you will have to decide if what you've got is good enough. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can "push" a reluctant, passive man into being a wonderful husband and father, either. He will not change into the man you want...he is the man he is! |
TAKE #2: Staying home, watching television, and having sex ...it’s a man’s dream! I’m guessing that sex and television were the things you enjoyed doing most, so you just gravitated more and more in that direction, until other activities were eventually just squeezed out. There's nothing wrong with being a ‘homebody, " but doing nothing else has become an uninspiring routine. It no longer feels special or fun, and now you feel trapped. When you do the same thing over and over again, it follows the law of diminishing returns and feels less and less "special." Even though you may find some initial resistance from your boyfriend, you can get out of your dull routine. It's best to start slowly, and build on your success. Your boyfriend may not immediately be up for a camping trip or hosting a party, but he probably will be receptive to something less daunting. I'd start by focusing on your "in-house" activities and what you can do to make your time with your boyfriend at home different and special. It’s not so much what you do, but that you are shaking things up and re-discovering new ways to be together. Why not start tonight? Cover the television with a cloth, or close the media center doors. Gently announce that you'd like to make this a "no television" night. If you can manage it, set a pretty table and make a dinner you know he’ll enjoy (the way to a man’s heart still often through his stomach). If you’re tired, or your schedule makes advance planning nearly impossible, just get take-out or order in, dim the lights, put on romantic music, and eat by candlelight. No, not in front of the television, but sitting at the dinner table! If it's been a while since you've made conversation, just remember to keep things light. This isn't the night to initiate that serious "Where are we going in our relationship?" discussion. Instead, focus the chat on things that are not controversial (you don't want to end up bickering) and are of of obvious interest to the two of you (Eg. what is going on at work, with your workout, news about friends, family, etc.). As things are warming you, let your boyfriend know that there arespecific things that you are longing to do (Eg. see that new movie, have a picnic, go dancing, double-date with friends) and get him to agree to do some of these activities with you, soon. Don’t let the ball drop! You follow through with those plans! All this may initially feel a bit awkward, but the idea is to take a baby step out of your rut..and then another...and another...and another. If your boyfriend is even remotely receptive, dedicate at least one night a week to each other, where television isn’t the main event. Couples really did have lots of fun and things to do before there was television. Rediscover some of them. Play card games, read aloud to one another, work on a puzzle or a hobby or craft project together, do the crosswords. If this feels romantic (and it should), as contradictory as it might sound, don't race to have sex! Stay dressed and away from the bedroom as long as you can hold off. The anticipation will make things more exciting and besides, the idea is to make everything new, again. Be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day. In time, you'll find yourselves out of the house and "stay-at-'home" will become a treat, not a torture. |
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