JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

I think it's good that your ex has stalled seeing you for a while, because it gives you time to do some personal assessment of your feelings before you do anything else. First of all, it's a "given" that you aren't going to feel about any new woman right now the way you have about Kristal. You and she have history together–are comfortable together–know each other. That would come in time with someone else, but not immediately. You're probably just feeling the differences between being involved in an intimate relationship, and going back to some of the awkward feelings everyone has when they're just dating. You haven't told us why you and Kristal were fighting, and what it was that broke the two of you up as the last straw. We don't really need to know the reasons, but YOU do! Did you fight over other men? Women? Sex? Money? Family matters? Were the issues that caused the fights issues that could be dealt with (maybe with couples counseling) and change for the better in the future? Go back and try to remember what kinds of problems you two were having before you split up, and consider honestly whether these things are still going to be troublesome if you get back together with Kristal. Until and unless you do this personal assessment, you may be doomed to repeat the past even if you and Kristal DO get back together.

You ask what to do about the breakup and whether you should tell Kristal how you feel about her now. I guess I'd have to say that if you are sure you want to make another go at it with you ex, you should. You have to tell her how you feel. You will do best if you speak from the heart and express your hopes, your fears and your concerns. It's possible she was just "marking time" with the new boyfriend, but then again, maybe she has really moved on to something new. Time...and honesty will help you to know what's right. Be prepared that you might not like what you hear . You must be willing to face the pain if she decides you are no longer the right one for her, and the end of this relationship. It's too early in your "post breakup" period for being friends, but maybe in time you can spend some time together, talk about things and have fun…develop a warm and valuable friendship. -

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ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

One fight, even a really horrible one, usually doesn't end a loving relationship for good. I'm assuming that there was a substantive reason (other than momentary anger) for this breakup that was building over time. Regardless, if the two of you really wanted to be together, I don't think it would have taken four months to figure this out. As sad as it may be for you, sometimes love stories don't have happy endings. While you've been deciding what you want, your ex-girlfriend has apparently decided she doesn't want to continue with you, and has moved on to someone new. It if is really true that she's seriously dating a new man, all the wishing and hoping in the world won't make it any different. I highly recommend that the first thing you do is confirm directly through Kristal that she really does have a new boyfriend. Don't just accept this fact second-hand through her friend. I'm wondering why Kristal hasn't mentioned this new boyfriend to you if things are that "serious" with him, and if she really did express a desire to see you again. I also am wondering why, if Kristal really cares for you, she hasn't tried to patch things up with you first, before running off to pursue a new relationship with someone else. A woman who argues with you and immediately moves on without trying to work out the problems isn't the right choice for you. It's possible that Kristal's friend is exaggerating the facts about this new boyfriend to keep you away from Kristal. However, it takes two consenting people to make a relationship work. If you discover that this new boyfriend is real, and that Kristal does NOT want you back, I think it would be counter-productive and an exercise in frustration to lay your heart out and tell Kristal how you really feel now. If you continue to press for her to come back to you, she might, but at what cost?

A more positive way to view your situation now is to consider that Kristal's new boyfriend as a blessing in disguise. It sounds to me like you probably had good reasons for ending the relationship in the first place. The breakup and distance makes you miss Kristal more, but it can't change what wasn't right between you, just because you miss her. The evidence you've presented makes me advise you to move on if your ex really is involved with someone new and is less than enthusiastic about seeing you again. Your ex has may be with someone new, and you're feeling lonely and hurt. If you tell her how you feel and she doesn't or can't reciprocate those feelings, that's the risk you take in love. Give yourself credit for having the human emotion to feel love and also, forgiveness. Then, give yourself time to mourn the loss of the relationship, and to heal. The true test of your character and of your feelings for Kristal will be for you to wish her happiness in the new relationship she's found. You can and will love again – next time, with someone who will surpass Kristal because she will want to be with you, and you with her.