JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

In RECRUITING LOVE, Advice Sister Alison and I make analogies about how finding true love is often like going on a job interview in which you use business skills you've learned and feel comfortable using. So I'd like to answer your question with a question: If you were going for a job interview and the interviewed asked: "what salary do you want?" I am sure you would NOT say: "It's got to be five thousand dollars over what I made in my last job because Uncle Harry needs to get bailed out again, and I've got to buy a new car to replaced the one I ran into a tree coming home from that wild party last week - and then there's that twenty thousand in credit card debts to pay...." If you talked that way, it would end your chances to land the job. You'd know just asking for the five thousand extra you wanted would be enough to get your needs across--end of story.

We think the same thing applies in the dating world. Revealing your personal issues and secrets right up front on the first date is as startling to someone new as it is overwhelming. Alison suggests that it might be "kinder" to do so right away if you know you can't compromise on an issue, but I'd urge you to consider carefully before you do this. I believe that it is better to get to know someone before you drop any "bombs" or tell them too much intimate information. The purpose of a first date is to see how you both communicate, and whether or not you share some basic common interests and that all important "chemistry."If you like the new person and s/he likes you, there is time to negotiate your differences later.

The only exception to the not spilling the intimate stuff right away rule might be if you have a medical condition that your date might need know about if you might fall ill sometime while you are together, or if you are currently not available for a relationship. "Negotiating" whether or you'll be having children together, on a first date, seems premature at best and possibly the ruination of a budding relationship, at worst. Such matters can wait!

People with a lot of obvious differences will usually discover them pretty quickly in a dating situation. Both of you need the time to evaluate whether you have the qualities that might lead to a long-term relationship. People can and do adapt for someone special. Keep in mind that many a man who swore, " I never, ever, want kids!" has ended up as a candidate for father-of-the- year within just a few years after making that statement!

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ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

I have mixed feelings about telling too much too soon. My first reaction is that being too intimate is actually an invasion of your privacy as well as your date's. You may be asking them to handle sensitive information that they really don't need to hear. On the other hand, saying: "I only date men who want children,"gets your point across and narrows the field quickly. The down side of this is that it is painfully blunt. You risk immediately turning away someone special by divulging a "demand" that would be hard for anyone, let alone a "first date" to process.

As we say in our book RECRUITING LOVE: USING THE BUSINESS SKILLS YOU HAVE TO FIND THE LOVE YOU WANT, (if you haven't read the book, you really need to check it out now) if there is something that you absolutely must have in a relationship (ie: he must want to father your children) you shouldn't waste your time dating a man who won't do it. So perhaps it is kinder to speak up and have fewer, but willing, dates. Having children for many people is ONE BIG issue that eventually sours the relationship if they don't agree. On the other side, THE ADVICE SISTERS hope that you are looking at the other qualities that make a good father and a good relationship. I hardly need to remind you that the ingredients for lasting love have to include more than simply wanting children!

I think you can get your point across quickly, but more subtly. Instead of bluntly announcing before the drinks even arrive: "I adore kids and don't want to waste any more time dating you if you don't want any," perhaps try: "That family at the other table over there sure makes a happy picture--don't they? You know, I've ALWAYS wanted children....how about you?" Your date's response will tell you either you are in "synch" or on opposites sides of this issue, or least let you know that he isn't really sure how he feels right now. Keep in mind that it's just a first date and either one of you might feel differently as you get to know each other's needs and values better.

There ARE some personal things you might want to divulge on or before a first date. For example: dietary restrictions you may have (if you're going out to dinenr), or that you have three kids and on "school nights" have to be home for the sitter no later than 11:00. It is NEVER a good idea to divulge details about your wealth, health or other intimacies right away. Save them until you are confident that you can trust your "new friend" with their safekeeping. Limit your first date talk to more "harmless" revelations. For example, sharing "dates from hell" stories might be a great way to kick off this new relationship, but revealing your recent date rape and pending legal action isn't!