JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE: Advice Sister Alison has covered most of the bases here and has given you good observations and advice. There is little I can add, but I will try to round out her comments.

What most concerns me is that the two of you don’t seem to LIKE each other very much. I have to agree that it sounds like you spend more of your time explaining why you wouldn’t be good together than why you would...and I am convinced you don’t know each other very well. I hear no talk of shared goals, a desire to be together for better or for worse and a sense that life together will be fun for you two. It sounds more like one of you, now that she has a green card, is either being “pushed” or is pushing herself towards a more serious relationship which might not have been possible before and the other of you is more concerned with what kind of a mother she might make than what kind of a wife or even friend! What is missing here?

I agree with Advice Sister Alison that there is a vast difference between childish and child-like behavior. Truthfully, neither has much to do with whether or not a marriage can survive but someone who is childish may not know how to be flexible enough to make a marriage work...yet the two of you are both still young, and maybe neither one of you is ready.

You come from very different cultural backgrounds and I am wondering how that factors into a potential marriage. Do both sets of parents know each of you and accept the relationship between you? Mai, by your own admission your family is “pushing” for this marriage. Are you certain that YOU are ready for such an important commitment so soon after having met someone you care for? In other cultures, marriages often come quickly after meeting. Can you explain to your family that in America, couples often take a long time to get to know each other before making a permanent commitment such as marriage? You say you are “not babies” but you are indeed, both quite young. You certainly have the time to, as Barry said in his letter, “get to know each other” without talk of marriage right now. I sense, Mai, this immediate marriage idea is not your own but has come from family pressures. Perhaps you and Barry can talk to your family together and explain your relationship is not ready for marriage..yet. Try to include Barry in your family outings and he, in yours, so you can see what it would be like to be a “couple” in an inter-cultural family situation. It might not be as easy as you think. Barry sounds really NOT ready to tie the knot, and it would appear from what you have both said that you really do need time to solidify the relationship now that Mai lives close by. Someone who is reluctant to marry you is not a great bet as a husband...and someone who bores or irritates you if you hang around them long enough is not a great bet as a wife. Perhaps you two might agree to date others for a while to be sure that you are in fact “the ones” for each other. Couples counseling is a good idea too.

I can’t tell for sure but in your case, it seems as though you have definitely put the cart before the horse when it comes to thinking about marriage and family. Make sure you want to be friends first...talk about the important issues of trust and similar goals....talk about babies only when you are sure you are going to be a couple together. Anything else is premature.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE: It appears that both you and your boyfriend have posted your questions together, so we will make comments on your situation in a way that will be relevant to both of you.

Let me first start out by saying that few relationships are perfect and every relationship, no matter how long it’s duration, takes WORK. You say that you think it’s time to get married because you love each other and have been dating for two years, but there is no time limit on if or when the time is right time to make this type of serious commitment.

In your case, I absolutely believe that you shouldn’t rush into marriage just yet. You need to spend more time together (you’ve been far apart and don’t see each other that often) and you must spend more time to resolve the problems you do have, before you move forward. I do not quite understand what the “immaturity” problem is. You say you are “childlike” with your boyfriend because you feel free to be yourself. Being “girlish” by laughing and acting “silly” is one way to be “childlike,” but acting “childlike” by being pouty and petulant when you don’t get your way, or stubborn and unreasonable, or pitching “little fits” and crying when things are difficult, well, THAT kind of behavior is never appropriate for an adult woman, let alone a wife or potential mother!

To your boyfriend I can only say that there is an awful lot more to choosing a wife than being sure she could be a good mother. Ideally, you two should have a shared vision of what you want out of life. If anything about the other makes you uncomfortable as you are suggesting, this is a warning signal that something is wrong. Be sure that no one can substantially change his or her personality or behavior, even out of love for another. What you see now is what you can expect in the future as well.

In summary, I’m concerned because neither of you mentioned a thing about each other’s good qualities or why you think you would make a good couple. You also have considerably different cultural backgrounds. How well do you understand and accept each other’s differences? Do you agree on the “big things” in your lives such as your goals, the kind of lifestyle you want to live, how you will deal with family members, friends, etc? How do your family members and friends feel about you as a couple? Will you have support if you marry? You both mention children, but are you both ready and able emotionally and financially to take on this type of responsibility?

I don’t know a lot about the two of you, obviously, but I get the sense that perhaps you’ve been attracted to one another more because you were lonely and want companionship (or the “lure” of being in love) rather than for the types of solid, significant reasons that bind a couple together. Both of you are intelligent enough to realize that there are issues you need to handle before you move forward with your relationship. I would suggest that the two of you seek some couples counseling in person in your area–just a few sessions might clear the air. If you can’t do that, postpone any wedding plans until you face the issues head-on, and resolve them. If you can’t resolve them, don’t marry.