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I WANT A HUSBAND, NOT JUST A ‘PAL!"

Dear Advice Sister Alison: I’m in my mid-29's, never married. I have my own successful business. Men say I’m attractive and fun to be with, but I've been told that I can be a bit hyper and intimidating.   The only romantic relationship I had ended badly, when my boyfriend said he liked me, but wasn't attracted to marry me. Now I’m getting into a close relationship with someone I’ve met online. I really like him, but he’s already said (a couple of times) that he isn’t interested in me as more than just a friend. This man is ten years older than I am and has two sons. He says that he can have any woman he wants but that in my case, he puts me on a "higher level" than just a girlfriend. I dont' know what this means, but for me, it means no wedding ring!  I’m getting frustrated because the relationship isn’t going where I want it to go. I meet a lot of men online, but I want to get off the net and get going in a real relationship. I do not want to watch all the men I like marry other women, while I am still alone. What is the secret that other women seem to have to get the man they want to fall in love with only them? I want this man to wake up and realize that I’m the one for him without having to play games. Is there a way?

Sorry, but there isn’t any "secret" to making someone want you. If there was a magic potion, we’d all be paired up and in love! The real "trick" to success (if there is one) is to know what you want, and how pick a "hero" from a "zero,"....and never play games!

You have the first part right, you know what you want..but not how to get it. You tell Advice Sister Alison that you don’t want to watch the man you’re interested in move on to someone new, but you don’t mention any traits your special man should have other than that they should want you. That’s not very flattering to someone else, is it?

You say your latest love interest says you have a higher place in his life than a girlfriend, but if it’s a girlfriend you want to be, what good is this to you? Further compounding your lack of success is that you chose an man with two sons that apparently (from your email) live with him. There’s nothing wrong with this, but if you want someone to focus on you, a 'Mr. Mom" isn't the easiest choice.  Worse, you tell Advice Sister Alison that this unkindly tells you that he can get any woman he wants...yet he makes it clear that he doesn’t want you!

You can’t make this man fall in love with you.  Why are you sticking around for more ego-deflating defeat? If he doesn't want you, then YOU take control...how can a guy that says "no thanks" possibly suit YOUR goals?  He can't!!

For every man who isn’t interested there is another who is! People who stay in hopeless situations, hoping for miracles of change, only get locked further into a pattern of failure and despair by their own hand! If you want lasting love, wave goodbye to this guy! Tell yourself (every time you feel lonely and think this guy might change his mind and suddenly fall in love with you) that you deserve someone who is right and he isn’t it.. How much more out of your life to you want to risk, waiting? It is YOU who must change. To do otherwise is to possibly remain single the rest of you life.

TAKE #2

It’s obvious that you are lonely and frustrated about your relationship pattern..who wouldn't be?  However,  then you tell Advice Sister Alison that all the relationships you’ve had were similar. Did it ever occur to you that you, not the men, make the choice to doom your relationships to failure?

Ask yourself: "Why have all my recent relationships turned into friendships instead of love and marriage? You describe yourself as being hyper and having a "strong" personality. No one should ask you to change who you are, but you must already know that despite all your good qualities, some people will not be able to see themselves getting close to you. The good new is, others will!

You may also be subconsciously be picking the wrong types of men instead of the ones who might find you attractive. Any man who is unkind enough to tell you that he can get any woman he wants...but he doesn’t want you, isn’t worthy of your devotion.

My suggestion is to start honoring your own feelings and goals. If you want to be in a steady, serious, romantic relationship, begin seeing only men who qualify as "relationship material." That means that if, after a few months, you find that the man you have selected is NOT the type who will commit, or you realize that he just isn’t attracted to your "whole package," stop seeing him. Repeat process until you find a man who likes your personalty and likes you, and is interested being with you as more than just a friend. You will find him if you believe you deserve him and stop being sidetracked by men who are not right for you.

The right one is out there, still waiting...as you are!

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