JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

Worried mother, I feel your pain. You have raised a son and love him dearly. You have probably always known that the day would one day come when he would find someone to "settle down" with and start a family of his own, but you have always been "first" in his heart, and now you are afraid that since he has a "new love" he won't care about you any more after he is married. You are also fearful that you won't be able to get along with your son's wife-to-be because of how you feel about "losing him" to her. As you have heard it said that a man substitutes his mother for his wife, there's another expression I've often heard that I like better and think is more true: "love expands." What this means, I think, is that a person's capacity to feel and express, give and accept love grows more and more as he loves. Our ability as human beings to love is infinite - it has no set capacity. Putting this another way, if you really think about it you will realize that your son does not have an exhaustible supply of love so that if he loves another woman he will have to transfer the love he feels for you onto her and there will be less, or none, left for you! Not at all! If you play your cards right you will likely find that you not only continue to have the love of your son, but that your kind and good behavior towards the other woman he loves will make him love and respect you even MORE...and you will gain the love of a "daughter" as well. This is particularly important for you since you say the couple will be living with you after they are married. If you accept this living arrangement (and I am assuming from your question that you have agreed they should move in with you) your daughter-in-law-to-be will then be a member of your household along with your son. Surely you know how miserable friction between family members makes everyone living under that roof feel? Your daughter-in-law will resent your unkind behavior towards her, your son will be unhappily caught in the middle between the two women he loves, and you will feel guilty and miserable because you know you caused all the tension in the first place!

Advice Sister Alison and I have heard frequently from mother-in-laws-to-be about their heartbroken feelings about their sons possibly deserting them or angry feelings they have towards their daughter-in-laws-to be. One mother of a son wrote that she was so upset about her son's choice of a bride that she was actually planning to boycott the wedding and not attend at all. Another mother-in-law to be spoke about her feeling that her daughter-in-law would not respect her position as "mother" and wanted to insist on "rules" that the daughter in law would have to obey. I am sure you can see in these two cases that the behavior of the mother was NOT the way to win her son's love or her daughter-in-law's allegiance and respect.

It would be a mistake to unfairly dump the anxiety you feel about your older son's impending marriage on his fiance. It takes TWO to make a couple, and after all, he CHOSE her to be his ride....that must say something good about her to you!

No matter how you are feeling, I think you will be glad in the end if you do all you can to be a gracious, accepting mother in law and not the "difficult and hated mother in law" of literature and movies. For a moment, imagine if you were in this young woman's position - moving into a the unfamiliar household of YOUR mother-in-law you hardly know. Wouldn't you want the senior female member of this new household to treat you with kindness and empathy?

To me, it is really sad that you are in so much pain at a time when you should be filled with joy at gaining a new family member. Try to do the right thing by your daughter-in-law-to-be even if you DON'T totally approve of her or the things she does. Your son chose this woman to be his bride. Try to respect his choice...and THEIR choices. Go to the wedding. Be happy. If you welcome this new bride into your family and your house with open arms you will find that you have gained new loyalty and love from your son and a daughter as well!

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

THE ADVICE SISTERS know first hand how terrible it feels when a mother-in-law disapproves of a bride and her choices. We know the tension that is created when a mother-in-law jealously "protects" her son's love by denigrating or ignoring her, or fighting with her for his attention and affection.

Mothers-in-law-to-be take note: While the couple is in the wedding planning process, try to get to know your daughter-in-law to-be. Greet her warmly ; make her feel you are glad to have her join your family. Try not to interfere in the wedding planning or criticize the bride's choices: she will feel the rejection of her choices by you as a rejection of HER, even if you are just disapproving of something as meaningless as her choice of wedding colors! It may make you feel better right now to "pick" on her but those feelings of rejection will surely not be forgotten. Future disagreements and resentments will fester and might even ruin your chances of ever having a positive relationship grow between the two of you. Choices you make on how to treat your daughter-in-law to be NOW will likely affect your relationship for the rest of your lives.

We aren't saying that you must love your new daughter (or son) in-law, but we do think that it is the mother-in-law-to-be's responsibility to keep the waters calm and offer a hand of friendship to the new member of her family (no matter how she REALLY feels about him or her).

It's easy for us to see your fear that you may lose your son to another woman, but we can practically guarantee that this will NOT happen if have the right attitude and start off on the right foot. Like it or not, after the wedding they will be a married couple and part of your family.

Starting right now, why not do the smart and sensible thing? Put your unhappiness, fears, jealousy and resentments in your back pocket, don't intruding into their future plans, offer to help in any way you can, and keep your opinions to yourself unless asked. We know of no other way to keep tempers cool and family harmony sound during the stress of wedding planning than this.

After the wedding, give the couple "space" to be by themselves even in your own home. You will find if you do, quickly they will be asking if you'd like to be included!

And if you feel jealous or resentful, remind yourself - YOU were the first person your son ever loved. And if you treat him and the ones HE loves with kindness and love, he will ALWAYS love you in that special way that is reserved for mothers....there is absolutely no reason he will stop loving you just because he marries.