This Month's ADVICE SISTERS®"Double-Take" Q &A
Each day brings new challenges, but you always have the power to change your life. To help you jump-start your own thinking, Advice Sister Alison offers her signature "Double-Take" Q&A format featuring both "head (practical) and "heart" (emotional) views. If you like, you can arrange for Private Counseling and get this kind of advice for yourself. For classic ADVICE SISTERS® "Double-Take" Q&A visit the Advice Sisters® Archives
He is So Needy!!
Dear Advice Sister Alison: I have been seeing Donald for a few months. We are in our mid 30's and Donald is already talking about marriage. My father was very controlling of my mother and I promised myself I would not follow in her footsteps. My best friend’s older sister has invited me, my married sister, and some other, single women to spend a weekend with her at her country cottage for a "just girls" weekend. I would really like to go but Donald sulked and threw a fit. He says that if I love him I would not want to spend a lot of time with anyone but him. Worse, he says that if I do, that's the end of our future together. What should I do?
| TAKE #1: This is a situation that has to be nipped in the bud, quickly, but to do so you'll want to consider all of the facets of this situation. In my opinion, given the information you've provided about who is going and what the purpose of the weekend is, Donald's reaction is wrong for a man who supposedly loves you. It just isn't reasonable for him to pitch a fit because you want to go away with a married sister and a few, trusted friends for the weekend. You are not even engaged yet, and already, he's calling the shots and threatening you! I'd strongly urge you to let a lot more time pass with Donald before you start making wedding plans. You say that you don't want to repeat the negative behavior patterns that you see in your parent's relationship, but you have apparently selected a man who is just like dear old Dad in the "control freak/neediness" category! Donald definitely fits into the "needy" category and his ultimatum that you "stay home or else" is definitely the sign of a man who will continue to bully you into doing what he wants. If you really care for Donald and want to see where the relationship goes, the time to assert yourself is now, even at the risk of ending the budding romance. Remind Donald that he is your possible, future husband–not your father or your "keeper." Given your parents relationship (which you have made it clear you don't want to repeat) it is important that you let him know how you feel about serious issues like "time off" from each other. More importantly, you need to agree upon guidelines for how you'll be as a couple, before the wedding happens. If you let Donald control your actions now before you are married, what hope do you have of being able to make any choices on your own once you are married? Most people require a little time away from each other and actually welcome it. The right thing to do is to talk with Donald, and maybe even seek the help of a trained counselor, and see if you can't help him figure out why he has this need to "keep you all to himself." This is also a good way to consider your own relationships "history." It's quite possible that you visibly reject the control that your father has over your mother, but you are subconsciously attracted to men who treat you the same way! If Donald refuses counseling with you, or threatens you again, it would be my advice to move on–you will never be happy with someone who won't let you think and do for yourself!! |
l | TAKE #2: Needy people with low self-esteem (and Donald definitely fits into that category) are often so insecure that they feel the only way they can "cope" is to control. In fact, I would even be willing to bet that the reason Donald is talking about marriage so soon after meeting you is that he wants to lock in your love before you can possibly change your mind! I'd urge you not to make any commitments to Donald, just yet. It's going to be in your best interests to let a lot more time pass first, and see how he continues to behave as new situations arise. If Donald can't manage to deal with letting you go away with a married sister when you've only been dating a few months and haven't made any commitments, what's next? Issuing a threat to terminate the relationship is just the first of many "ultimatums" you're likely to get from this man. Donald is also probably worried that if you go away with your single friends, you may have a better time with them!, and not want to be with him anymore. This is actually not so far fetched. Who wants to be under the thumb of a man given to fits of insecurity? If you want to go on this trip (and Advice Sister Alison thinks it is important that you do so) you'll want to calm Donald's fears. Point out to him that this trip is just a few days...a "girls’ only" weekend together" with some an older sister who is already married, and some female friends. This type of "girls weekend" is not the same as going away for a wild "singles weekend" where the purpose really is to meet new partners and perhaps, indulge in some "new pairings." Reassure Donald that you will still be thinking of him. Offer to call once or twice during the weekend at specific times that you designate. Pre-send a card to him that will arrive while you're away, for a romantic "thinking of you" touch. Whatever you do, don't give him the phone number or address where you are staying. You'll likely see him standing outside the door, uninvited, or be getting his calls, constantly. If Donald still insists that you cannot go, please consider this a true warning: this type of possessiveness will be a problem not just now, but in the future. Don't ignore this! At first, being with someone who longs to be with you every moment sounds romantic, but obsessive neediness and control quickly becomes like a prison. Any man who would threaten to pull the plug on a relationship nearly ready for marriage, isn't someone you want to be married to! |
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